~~BACK AT THE COMMAND CENTRE, OUR NAKED HEROES ARE GETTING ACCUSTOMED TO THEIR NEW LIVES AS CRIME FIGHTERS.~~
Billy: Man, I love being part of this team...I feel like taking a shower - anyone wanna join me?
Zack: Sure, count me in, man!
~~DURING THE SHOWER...~~
Billy: Hey, what the hell is that?
Zordon: Oh!...Uhh...okay, you got me fellas, this is one of the security cameras I've had Alpha install in all the Command Centre bathrooms. You know...for security.
Zack: Wow, thanks Zordon! Man, am I ever glad we've got you watching our backs!
Zordon: Well, mostly your fronts...but no problem!
~~AFTERWARDS~~
Okay, Rangers, enough fun and games. It's time I handed out the tools and accessories you'll be using to fight evil. Allow me to debrief--I mean brief you on some of the more useful items:
Zordon: You will each be issued one of these 6-Inch, Glow-in-the-Dark Vibrating Sexual Ranger Stalagmites.
Trini: Aww man, I already have a bunch of those things at home
Zordon: You will each also receive a Sexual Ranger Morpher/Garter Belt Combo. When your stalagmite is plugged into the belt, you will have the ability to "mature" into your final fighting form. You will then emerge wearing tight, revealing, spandex pajamas with practically no protective value
Billy: Hey, hold on a second...CLOTHES!?!? No way man - that wasn't part of the deal...no freaking way!!!
Zordon: Look Billy, being a Sexual Ranger, there are certain sacrifices that have to be made to ensure the public's safety. So whether you agree with it or not, for the greater good of mankind, it is necessary for you to cover up your crotch! Now pipe down and pay attention!
Billy: Yes, sir.
Jason: So what're these badly stained coins for, Zordon? Do they unlock special weapons or new abilities or something?
Zordon: What? Pshhh, no...those tokens are for the vibrating beds at the Angel Grove motel, where you'll be doing most of your stakeouts. The manager said they're good for 30 minutes apiece. I'll only give you twelve per day though, so use them wisely.
All: WHOA!!! THANKS, ZORDON!!!
Jason: Okay guys, come up and grab your things! Ignore the fact that I seem to have morphed already for no reason.
*All the Rangers come up to claim their respective crystals*
Billy: Hey, what the...how come there isn't a blue one there!!
Kimberly: Quiet, Billy! We have no time for that now!
So Zordon, where's our first enema?...I mean enemy, enemy!!
Zordon: Patience, Kimberly. You will no doubt encounter thousands of enemies (and enemas) during your adventures. Don't be so eager to get into the fray. All things shall be completely revealed, just like the five of you are, soon enough. Heh heh heh.
Zack: Hahahaha ...I don't get it.
~~AFTER THEIR BRIEFING, THE RANGERS TAKE TIME FOR A LITTLE TELEVISION~~
Wyatt Earp: You know, I use eleven herbs and spices for my Original Recipe chicken, but there's actually twelve seasonings in total. I keep my spiciest secret right here in my quarters...
*WE INTERRUPT THE SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING TO BRING YOU THIS LATE-BREAKING NEWS*
Trini: Oh no, seems like something awful's happened at the Youth Centre!!
Ernie: Yeah, so these spandex-clad clods come in here and start harrassing the kids! You know, corrupting our youth and everything!
They called themselves the "Sexual Rangers," despite the fact they were completely sexually-unappealing!
Here's a picture of the suspects:
Rangers: WTF!?!?!
Crap, we're being framed!!
But those freaks don't even look like us!
Tommy: I dunno, that big purple guy sorta looks like Billy
Billy: The f*ck!?
Tommy: Oh whoops, I thought Zack was standing next to me, sorry you heard that Billy hahah
Well, you know what this means, guys...
~~IT'S MATURATION TIME!!!~~
Tyrannosaurus Sex! ......D*MN, did you have to make mine so lame, Zordon?!
Erodactyl!!
Mastur-don!
Rowdy Roddy Piper!!
SEXUAL RANGERS!!!
Zack: Hey...where's Billy?
Billy: I...I don't have a crystal! I don't think the transformation will work, guys!!
Kimberly: You sissy, just try it!! You're wasting our time!
Billy: Okay...here goes...
Trisexual-tops!...
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whoops, I guess it doesn't work after all...sorry about that, Billy
Billy: So what now?
Zordon: I guess the others'll have to take care of the problem without you, Billy
Jason: Alright guys, let's move out!
Alpha: Wait Rangers, I nearly forgot! Take these weapons with you!
Jason: So what...I just attach this to my garter belt? I dunno, Zordon...I know I brag about it all the time, but don't you think this is kinda over-exaggerating?
Zordon: No, you fool! You fight with those things! You know, bad guys?! You can figure out how to use them as you go, now hurry up and get to that Youth Centre!!
Alpha, you teleport them to the appropriate coordinates.
Billy...you hit the showers
AYE YAI YAI!!!
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